If I Don't Have You
by daysupondays
Summary: Oneshot set after the scene in Emma's office in 3x17. Blaine still has worries, and all Kurt wants is his boy back.


If I Don't Have You

Kurt struggled to hold back his own tears as he absorbed the shuddering sobs from the dark head nestled close to him. Having left Miss Pillsbury's office, he had dragged Blaine by the hand to the locker room. It was empty now, the vibrant chatter of the football team long since dissipated across the school. He had closed the door as quickly as he could without slamming it and whirled around on his heels to face his boyfriend. Blaine had fallen desperately into his arms upon outstretching, buried his face into Kurt's shoulder and shaken uncontrollably with tears, a large wet patch of tears spreading across Kurt's jacket. Kurt couldn't care less. When it came to Blaine, he never could bring himself to care. Pressing his cheek to the solidified curls, he became aware of hot, salty streams surging down his own cheeks and dripping into Blaine's hair. He didn't attempt to stem the flow.

"I'm s-so sorry, Kurt," stammered Blaine, choking on the air he attempted to inhale between sobs. He sounded so small, so helpless. It shattered Kurt's heart all over again. He tightened his grip around the boy in his arms and felt Blaine's hand grasp the material on his chest, creasing it, clenching and unclenching his fingers around the soft fabric.

"No, Blaine. God, _I'm _sorry. I never should have put up with Chandler's texts…I should have just listened to you when you told me you were upset. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I almost screwed this up. I never want to screw this up, Blaine. I was so - " he paused to take a huge gulp of air, stifling a hiccup threatening to escape his throat. "-so _stupid. _I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I just…" he trailed off, unable to speak without leaving a gasping trail of breath between his words.

He felt Blaine swallow against him and press his forehead into Kurt's collarbone. His breath was shuddering and irregular, though he was taking deep breaths in order to steady it. Kurt could do nothing but cup the nape of Blaine's neck with his hand and gently stroke it with the pad of his thumb, fondling the flicks of hair trailing around his ear. Placing gentle, sweet kisses to the top of Blaine's head, he waited. Waited for what? For Blaine to speak? For himself to find a way to formulate a coherent sentence? For McKinley High, for all of Ohio, for the whole universe to pass them by as they held each other close, here in this dingy, smelly locker room, day after day?

Kurt didn't care how long he would have to wait, because no matter how messed up the situation was, Blaine was back where he belonged. _Stay in my arms if you dare - or must I imagine you there? _He had sung those very words earlier in the week, uncertain as to whether or not Blaine would come home to his embrace; but here he was, and Kurt had no intention of letting him go.

Eventually, Blaine pulled away slightly, taking Kurt's hands in his own and letting them fall between them. He gazed up at him, burning pools of caramel bubbling over with shining tears that were still falling fast, though his breathing had now regulated itself.

"Can we sit?" he asked quietly. His voice was practically pleading. Such a simple request, and now there was such fear of rejection in his voice and his eyes. Kurt nodded wordlessly. Instead of taking Blaine to a bench, they slowly crumpled to a heap on the floor against the wall. Leaning against the paintwork, they turned inwards facing each other, legs intertwined across the hard, cold floor. Kurt leaned forward to cup Blaine's cheek with his hand, gently caressing his cheek with his thumb.

"Talk to me, Blaine," he whispered, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, Blaine was fixating him with that look - that goddamn heartbreaking look that he had seen far too often in the last few days. The furrow of his brow, the red outline of his lower lashes, the muscles around his lips and cheeks contracting into a pursed, down-turned line. He saw Blaine completely unmasked; vulnerable, confused and so deeply hurt. "Tell me everything you're feeling."

Blaine remained silent for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. He was glad Kurt wanted to let him talk, because he really needed to get this all out in the open.

"It's just - it's just that I knew _something _was up, Kurt. I knew something had gone wrong somewhere…one day we were singing along to all our songs in the car, and the next, you're talking about - about _auditions, _and _NYADA, _and it just all came so fast and I knew that it was coming but…it came far too quickly." Blaine paused for breath. "So, like I said…I started to try and distance myself from you. Prepare myself, I guess. Ease myself in, because next year, I won't be able to call you and ask you to come over just because I feel like seeing this face." he whispered, voice cracking on the last word. He hesitated, tracing the tip of his finger along the contours of Kurt's jaw. "But something went wrong along the line, somewhere…I could see you constantly poring over your phone every day, Kurt, laughing your head off at something somebody was saying. I knew that used to be me. I knew something was up. But it wasn't until I saw the messages the other day at your house that I realised the true extent of it…this, this _Chandler, _he was talking about going to New York with you, as if you're going _together._" Blaine practically spat the last word out, his tongue laced with bitterness. "And I know I'll be tagging along a year late, but _we _were supposed to do it together, you know? And it just felt like I was being…replaced. Replaced by this guy from the record store, this guy who made you laugh the way you used to laugh with me, this guy who made you feel so good about yourself when I couldn't. And it just brought back…old feelings." Blaine cast his eyes to the floor, eyelashes fanning out, casting tiny strands of shadow over his cheekbones. "Old feelings of…of feeling like I'm just never _enough. _Never good enough. And I had always thought that the only person I could be enough for, who I could be perfect for…was you. And with just one glance at those messages, everything came crashing around me. It felt like the very last person who I thought could see me for _me, _and love me for it…had lost interest. Just like that." he gestured randomly to the ceiling. He bit back the tears that were threatening to make a reappearance. "And then I was just coming up with all these scenarios in my head…you leaving me, for this guy, and going to New York, and the two of you discovering your fantastic new life there together. And I'd just be stuck here, back in Ohio. By myself, with nothing but my damn broken heart for company."

Kurt was speechless. He hadn't seen at the time, but when Blaine spelled it out for him like that…of course that's how he had felt. Kurt cursed himself inwardly for allowing himself to be so self-absorbed. He needed to reassure Blaine in any way that he could - so he drew his hand around Blaine's head and pulled it close to his chest, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Snuffling, Blaine folded his arms tightly around Kurt's waist.

"Blaine," he began, engulfing his fingers in the locks of dark hair pressed up against his chest, and to hell with the hair gel. "Do you remember everything you did for me in those first few months that we knew each other?" Blaine just sniffled. "I don't know what I would have done without you, Blaine. You saved me, with your friendship, and with your love. If it weren't for you, I'd still be getting tossed in dumpsters, still tormented daily. You were my guiding force through one of the toughest periods of my life; it's no wonder I fell in love with you. Where would I be without you? You're the one that I've shared every single part of myself with. How could you possibly be replaced by some guy texting me corny chat-up lines for a week?" Kurt asked him gently. He didn't expect an answer - Blaine appeared somewhat incoherent right now. Kurt lowered his hand, taking Blaine by the chin and forcing him to meet his gaze. "You're my first love, Blaine - and my only love. What you said back there with Miss Pillsbury? It's the same for me. You are the love of my life - ever since I grabbed your arm on that staircase, there was never anybody else for me. There is nobody I want to spend my life with if I can't share it with you. And we're going to make the most of the last of our time here, because it is _precious, _Blaine - and then I'm going to go to New York and I will be counting down the days until I can come back to Ohio to see you tossing your cap, safe in the knowledge that we can be out there together in the fall. And then, we're going to restart our life together, and the next few years will all be over in the blink of an eye because we'll be so young and in love and carefree that we don't even notice time passing. We'll get a little older and a little wiser, Blaine - but I can promise you this; I will never, ever stop loving you. As long as I live, no matter what life throws at us. I will _always _be yours."

And with that, he took Blaine's face in his hands and kissed him. Softly, tenderly, passionately. He tried to put all the words he lacked the eloquence to articulate into the kiss, and hopefully Blaine understood because he gave a whining whimper and kissed him back just as lovingly. Kurt tangled his hands into Blaine's hair, relishing the suction of Blaine's lusciously soft lips against his own, basking in the beautiful familiarity of Blaine's tongue sweeping softly across his lower lip. Blaine breaks the kiss briefly, murmuring - "I love you." - before meeting Kurt's lips once more, desperation climbing. Blaine continues to pull away to utter hushed promises of love, hot breath spreading onto Kurt's skin. Kurt responds to each and every one of these pledges, frantically compressing their lips together in a desperate effort to convince Blaine that _this is it, this is for real, this is us._ Together, they would prove this to each other.


End file.
